Frank’s Blog of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM! (part II)

its nannas birthday…
…fuck i miss her

my job is keeping me sane.
its a brilliant school. the teachers and all the staff are friendly and supportive and just brilliant. i wish my contract was forever, not just another 6weeks. im so happy there, everyday.

ive not even had a sniffle. proof that leaving the city was a great idea! ive had a few headaches – but they’re back-related and not much to do with germy kids. ..actually, the kids at school arent sick.

in brissie id do several incident reports a day. in 4wks ive never had to do one. not even close. the closest was 2 kids having a brawl while lining up outside my music room. all i had to do was point to the office and they got up and turned themselves in. amazing. ive had presents made by kids in all grades.. today it was a big snowflake cutout, painted and written on.. it just says You Rock! on both sides. very cute. and when i turn up in the morning theres one or two offering to carry my laptop up to my room. and lots and lots of good mornings.. real ones you know. from everyone. even workmen building the new facilities are chatty.

much nicer than the horrible racist cops, and some of the horrifically racist teachers in rockhampton. seriously! ive never been more offended than i was in a music teachers meeting last week. one teacher sabotaged her indigenous kids choir .. laughing about it.. just because she refused to let them compete against the “real choirs”. made me sick really. yet another white person in authority letting them down, after the kids had worked so hard. its sickening. one or two more times of being let down will see these precious little buggers not even trying anymore. its about expectations right? my alleged peers are finding ways to perpetuate the feeling of hopelessness and uselessness to dozens of murrii kids. i said something like – well at least you wont be inconvenienced by them again. the looks i got! then the meeting leader suggested i leave early, since im new in town, to go see the local music shops. i was thrilled to be out of there. sadly i dont think ill be getting an invitation to the music teachers network christmas dinner. to be fair, it was only 2 of the 9 of us who were ranting about how black kids are a waste of resources.. the rest were very quiet.

ummm what else. oooh i lost my shit last week. total melt down. nannas death certificate came in the mail. who knew that one piece of paper could set me back a month of coping? anyway.. carl decided to go a bit berko so i got to be angry and disappointed, instead of crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep – which is what i wanted to do.

carl. hrrm. carl is in emerald working tonight. otherwise i wouldnt be on my computer. he hates it when i get online. he’ll probably go through my history while im at work tomorow, read this and be waiting with attitude when i get home.

hes doing better tho. i flatly refuse to fight with him. things got a little physical last week. i was pretty scared. im a bit girl, but hes very tall. and very strong… it was frightening. he didnt throw any punches. more about blocking me, keeping me in one place. grabbing me and backing me into the wall so i cant get away while he screams in my face… refusing to let me past.. ranting at me for hours so i cant sleep. i finally got him to leave me alone so i went to sleep in the spare room. ..i just needed to be away from him. i didnt want to fight. i didnt want to talk..it was after 3am and i was just exhausted! did he leave me be? of course not. he got all remorseful and pathetic.. so in the interest of getting to sleep i went back into the main bedroom. a huge mistake. hes got to learn to let me have space and time or i just dont see it working. i havent been able to grieve for nanna. i havent been able to have a single moment of feeling secure here.

and monday was our first anniversary. after the horribleness on the weekend i was hoping to let the whole thing slide by unmarked. we had arranged to meet a mate at the pub for dinner -and that was enough. more than i wanted. i came home from school to a huge bouquet, a seriously mushy handwritten letter in a beautiful card. it was lovely.

a big bit of me is angry that i havent left him already. its thursday, and things have been ok since.. well.. he had a slight strop monday night, but it didnt last all night.

how many chances am i supposed to give him?

i talked to my dad a little bit. hes of the opinion that since its just me and him, i shouldnt ever stop trying. commitment is forever. he says that everything thats hurting me now wasnt unknown to me when we got engaged. its not like i didnt know what i was getting into.

its strange how one part of my life can be so good, while another is just hanging in there.

im getting my reptile and amphibian license. exciting! the frog i rescued from the saltwater pool “FrogFace” is doing well. he’s very beautiful. his sores are healing up nicely. its been over a month and hes still not 100%. the vet says hes had so much time in captivity that he may need to stay as a pet. its very dry outside and he isnt resilient enough to cope with drought – especially when his skin membrane has been so damaged. also, with the bushfires around, theres been a big influx of canetoads – which is badnews for treefrogs. anyway, i love him to bits. he sings at me when he wakes up – around 630pm. then i fill the sink with warm water and exercise him. (its fun!) then he goes back into the terrarium and i release some crickets and put some meely worms into his dish. when he was sick i used to have to hand feed him with tweezers, but hes well enough to hunt in the enclosure now.

bronson is a little put out. FrogFace likes climbing on me. Its not good to overhandle frogs, but while i watch tv i let him wander about for extra exercise. mostly that means jumping all over the couch and climbing up my legs and arms. it freaks bronson out. FrogFace doesnt care about him at all – altho i doubt he likes bronsons cold nose on his eyes while hes being sniffed. the dog gets pretty jealous actually. i often end up with a frog behind my ear and bronson in my lap.

anyway, i quite like having something so precious to look after. its a real challenge.. all the research and stuff. ive missed caring for something.

its not the same as feeling nannas fingers gripping mine, but it does feel special that something out there needs me.

..fuck i miss her.

2

as much as i love this place, if i had somewhere to go id be there now.

maybe itll be better when school hols are over and im working.

i need support and dare i say it.. Kindness. i dont need yelling and lectures for hours on end.

im crap. i get that. i do a lot of things badly. i get that too.

unfortunately for him, i just dont care.

im having a huge amount of trouble just getting through the days. i feel thoroughly broken. it would be so great to have a partner who didnt .. aah well.

im sure hed cut me some slack if i could go into hysterics or scream and get angry… if id cry loudly and beg for forgiveness. maybe if i were beautiful and vulnerable he would stop trying to change every single thing about me.

i just want to feel safe. i need to know that now everyone i love most is rotting in the ground in gympie, i have a home and a life.

the moments of good are just that – good, very good. we laugh and have fun and talk about things. it all changes in an instant when i say something wrong – if i question him.. or if i say something completely random that he takes as criticism.

ive never felt more alone or miserable in my life.

clearly i havent been through enough lately.

3 strikes. thats all.. 1 down today…screaming at me calling me a stupid cunt.

ooh yeah. i couldnt believe it either.

its been pretty good for a while. but.. jesus. this morning was horrible. of course me laughing at him didnt help. ..

hes sorry. like always. and he means it too. …cos ive never told him to fuck right off before today. ..he didnt. he was going to – but couldnt find his keys.

i laughed.

im not over losing nanna. im still very emotional… i realise that we’re (yet again) dealing with drama out of our control. and he made some valid points about things im doing that are annoying and unacceptable.

cant believe he called me the C-word. cant believe he called me it and i didn’t flatten him! … he looked distressed and apologized straight away. could it be he was already wondering if i was going to stab him in the face?

i want a nice quiet drama-free life. please!!!!

if someone wants to save me? thatd be super.

so ive turned on my laptop and discovered that one of my new neighbours has snarfable wifi. gotta love that. ours isnt on until wed or thurs..

anyway..

nannas funeral was lovely, and horrific. without a doubt the worst day of my life. all the arrangements were left to me, and luckily elenor came with me to choose the casket and things.

ummm. yeah. i will write about it properly, but not now.

i will say that i am so very proud of the andersen girls, and bronwyn. i chose all girls as pallbearers. nanna wouldve loved that. me, jess, paula, samantha, cecily and bron. ..the granddaughters, daughter in law and bron – who’s basically family anyway.

the day after the funeral carl packed me up and we drove 2 of the 3 cars up to the new place in lammermoor beach. its a gorgeous house. 2 story, tropical garden, saltwater pool, close to the beach. i should be happy.

im not happy. im sad alllllllll the time. and overly sensitive. he’ll have a go at me, snap about something – and instead of telling him off or ignoring him i crumble. ..lots of tears. ..which hes finding frustrating and annoying.

hes back at work. ive gone with him the past few days..not because ive wanted to .. but because he wants me to. im not allowed to be alone. he was pretty weird about leaving me this arvo. i said id go for a drive with bronson along the coast and maybe go for a walk on the beach. he gave me a list of reasons not to. i dont get it.

im trying so hard.

rita, who cared for ray at the end, told me on wednesday that gods plan is perfect. gods timing is always perfect. she went on to say that since ive decided to work on my marriage and move for carls job, losing nanna when i did means i can move forward guiltfree.

i hope thats true.

i love this town. i think i can live here… its tropical and beautiful and a real paradise. who wouldnt want this?

i think the bottom line is that im lonely. i havent had a phonecall from any family or friends since the funeral. i dont particularly want to share my feelings with anyone. i dont want to sit with someone and cry my eyes out. i guess im just a little overwhelmed that this is the furtherest ive been without my own family or friends around for support.

im a whole days drive from anyone who knew nanna, and grandad, and ray. who knows how much they meant to me. who know how much they loved me and understand how huge chunks are me are gone, now that they are.

im trying to make the most of things. i really am. im trying not to wallow in my grief. i mean.. nanna was gone in many ways months before she left me last week. but there was great comfort sitting with her and holding her hand, looking at her beautiful face knowing that she could feel the love, even if she didnt understand who it was from.

obviously carls family are here.. his sister and her family live 30mins away. but theyre not my family. we’re not friends, yet.

carl has many friends around the place up here. but theyre not mine, yet. they dont know what im going through. they dont know how hard it is.

they wont ever understand that every morning for a week ive been really disappointed that i woke up.

maybe thats it. its not that i dont want to be here – i realllllly dont want to be anywhere.

fuck

not much has changed, less agro around here, which is good.

last weekend, a fucktard lost control of the car hed stolen and ploughed it through our yard, collecting my little astra and smooshing it into our house. My car is surprisingly drivable.. damage to the rear side panels and lights, but fixable i think. because the fuckhead got away the police arent working on it very hard. a week later i still dont have a police report number.. so i cant do an insurance claim. .. ive been on the phone a lot to the insurance nazis.. they really are incredibly stupid and unhelpful. the house is ok too.. a couple of brick corners were chipped, but thats it. it missed a huge window by about a foot. the ground was wet, and it ran over the bins out front before it hit anything, so the impact wasnt as great as it could have been – which is good, very very good.

carl’s got an awesome job. operations manager of a company for all of central queensland. that means moving 8hrs away. its his home town, and ive lived there too for a few months. its not a bad town. im finishing up the term then moving. carl is going in a few weeks. the little break might be good. he’ll be staying with his sister, which will be good for him as well. we’ll be closer to his parents and im very happy about that. ive missed having family close by.

i was supposed to see nanna on the weekend. i piked on it. i justify it by saying that since we were down a car i couldnt get up. thats true. my car was only pulled away from the house and tyres changed yesterday. theres more tho, and thats the feeling that i need her. i miss her so much. when things are bad i miss her warmth like crazy and i cant have it. even though shes there, my nanna just isnt inside there anywhere anymore. its cowardly, but i cant face it. not always, not as often as i should. the guilt is hard to take. i really must try harder. especially since in a couple of months im going to be much more than an easy drive away.

so thats where i am. emotionally fucked. determined to try this marriage thing – praying that a few weeks apart will do us good and that a fresh start in a new town will give us some perspective.. knowing in the back of my mind that when that middle of the night phone call comes from gympie, im probably too far to get there in time.

is moving so far sensible? wont i miss my friends? .. well, no. i rarely hear from them, and i can count the number ive times ive seen them since i moved back to brisbane on one hand. i dont see them now. being in rocky isnt a factor.

what about jess? well.. her partners family are in rocky. they visit up there a couple of times a year.

my dad and cec are very busy. i havent seen dad since.. god.. i dont know when. maybe once since christmas while we were working on the gympie house. so again, i dont see him or cec now, so moving wont change anything.

im on contract at school until december. ive been in touch with district offices, my local, and the one in rocky. its easy for me to voluntarily end my contract early. they even look upon it favourably if i wait until the end of term, rather than giving little notice. i do have a bit of guilt about that. my two little schools will have trouble replacing me. its a 160klm trip for me on fridays when i go out there. not many people are willing to do that for the money.

ive wanted to move for a while. i love this house, but not the neighbourhood. still, its a big decision we’ve made.

there are some times when i genuinely hate myself and the choices ive made.

lets hope i dont regret these ones too.